I think, in my defense, I probably post each night inside my own head. The energy to get my computer out and write it down in a coherent fashion has been the issue. And why has it been an issue? Because in the first two weeks of school I have worked approximately 105 hours. Both weeks I have been at school for longer than 12 hours for consecutive days....and I am feeling a little bit weathered by it all this Friday.
I know that a 60+ hour week is the norm for some. So I do not mean to start this post with any sort of authority or martyrdom. I am just feeling really tired, and my work day is not likely to end until around 11pm tonight.
Gosh, now I feel all moany. Lets look at the positives. Tonight I acknowledge that I am feeling resentful that I miss out on social time with my partner, friends and colleagues. However, instead I am taking 11 kids to a really, really cool theatre show. I LOVE live theatre. Sitting in front of anything is effortless and energising for me. So in that respect, I have a nice break between 8 and 9.15pm planned. The other exciting thing is that I am then going to be able to share this experience of what we see onstage with my students. A part of my job where I can really feel connected with my love of theatre and my love of teaching. I can also continue to develop meaningful relationships with students as we sit and eat some sort of nutritious meal of the fast food variety.
So now that I think about it, reflect, and write it down. There is nothing about my evening that I am not looking forward to - with the exception of the late drive home and locking the van up in the dark by myself.
Thank-you ever faithful and non judgement blog for facilitating this.
Thursday, 30 July 2015
Tuesday, 21 July 2015
Dear kitten
Sometimes it's the little things that give us joy. This was sent by one of my fan club and has truly warmed my day.
Delayed posting
AHHHHH! So this is for yesterday. I will do a 'day three' one tonight.
Briefly -
A massive professional challenge thrown my way yesterday as I was made accountable for delayed marking and feedback. I am pleased I was thrown this challenge. It has revitalized my structure and my planning and I have a completely renewed sense of drive and purpose.
I thought that this professional challenge, which definitely made the black clouds swarm, would pause my routines as I 'recovered'. However, instead I got up, went to the gym and just pushed on through the to-do list.
The result - I taught an effective English class this morning. It was structured. I had everyone engaged and we got through heaps. I know it seems minimal and may invite a 'shouldn't every class be like that' response. But for some reason I had lost the wheels on that and now I feel like I am finding them again. I will celebrate this success.
Feeling good, able, and not anxious.
Over and out.
Briefly -
A massive professional challenge thrown my way yesterday as I was made accountable for delayed marking and feedback. I am pleased I was thrown this challenge. It has revitalized my structure and my planning and I have a completely renewed sense of drive and purpose.
I thought that this professional challenge, which definitely made the black clouds swarm, would pause my routines as I 'recovered'. However, instead I got up, went to the gym and just pushed on through the to-do list.
The result - I taught an effective English class this morning. It was structured. I had everyone engaged and we got through heaps. I know it seems minimal and may invite a 'shouldn't every class be like that' response. But for some reason I had lost the wheels on that and now I feel like I am finding them again. I will celebrate this success.
Feeling good, able, and not anxious.
Over and out.
Monday, 20 July 2015
Ride the wave
So - here we go day 2.
I am asleep on my feet and want an early rise in the morning for a decent amount of time at school to get more things ticked off the list. So I will endevour to keep this post short.
The English class is still troubling me a bit. I have been reflective about this, but also not allowing myself to feel too responsible. I stayed at work late today to tidy up as the paper work piles had got a little out of control. I only got through 1 (of three) but have a plan to keep getting through the others.
But the paper work thing told me two things 1 lesson and 1 reassurance.
The lesson - in reality, the current unit is a little under planned. I have made a lot of hand notes about the things I want to address and I have the unit plans from other teachers available too. I have made good resources and feel like the way I have gone through the film makes sense. However - perhaps, by not planning thoroughly enough, I am not letting the brain structure get out onto paper and this is also hindering the way I communicate the work with my students.
The reassurance - I do have many strong resources which do get the students to think. So with a little effort to link these into some stronger structures I feel that I am doing a thorough job there.
So from here - it is allowing myself time to plan effectively and to ensure I have accounted for each lesson carefully. A little bit of an 'over the top' approach to feel like I've got the rails back on the track.
Another success from today is that I started a melodrama unit with my Year 11 Drama class. I have two lower level learners who I worry about being engaged in the work that we are doing. They really latched on to the melodrama context as it provided them with something they were familiar with (as we discussed examples from Shrek and Despicable Me). I was worrying about that class and really stoked with the uptake.
So - I often use the metaphor of the 'black clouds' brewing when I am feeling overwhelmed about my workload and confidence levels. A close friend therefore asked me today 'hows the weather' as code for 'how's it all going'. I replied with 'pretty good overall, slight risk of a light shower at one point, but I managed to ward it off' - quite pleased about that.
I am asleep on my feet and want an early rise in the morning for a decent amount of time at school to get more things ticked off the list. So I will endevour to keep this post short.
The English class is still troubling me a bit. I have been reflective about this, but also not allowing myself to feel too responsible. I stayed at work late today to tidy up as the paper work piles had got a little out of control. I only got through 1 (of three) but have a plan to keep getting through the others.
But the paper work thing told me two things 1 lesson and 1 reassurance.
The lesson - in reality, the current unit is a little under planned. I have made a lot of hand notes about the things I want to address and I have the unit plans from other teachers available too. I have made good resources and feel like the way I have gone through the film makes sense. However - perhaps, by not planning thoroughly enough, I am not letting the brain structure get out onto paper and this is also hindering the way I communicate the work with my students.
The reassurance - I do have many strong resources which do get the students to think. So with a little effort to link these into some stronger structures I feel that I am doing a thorough job there.
So from here - it is allowing myself time to plan effectively and to ensure I have accounted for each lesson carefully. A little bit of an 'over the top' approach to feel like I've got the rails back on the track.
Another success from today is that I started a melodrama unit with my Year 11 Drama class. I have two lower level learners who I worry about being engaged in the work that we are doing. They really latched on to the melodrama context as it provided them with something they were familiar with (as we discussed examples from Shrek and Despicable Me). I was worrying about that class and really stoked with the uptake.
So - I often use the metaphor of the 'black clouds' brewing when I am feeling overwhelmed about my workload and confidence levels. A close friend therefore asked me today 'hows the weather' as code for 'how's it all going'. I replied with 'pretty good overall, slight risk of a light shower at one point, but I managed to ward it off' - quite pleased about that.
Saturday, 18 July 2015
A post a day....
I am going to write a post every day for the next two weeks. Including Saturday and Sunday. This forum is SO helpful in enabling me to process things but I live out the darkest and scariest patches in my day to day without ever coming to the blog.
I am getting ready to go back to school tomorrow for the start of term three. I am feeling rather sick about it. I have blogged about my psyche in the school holidays before. I actually don't like them that much as the constant fight to 'make the most of them' wears me out a little bit. So in that respect (she discovers 6 lines in) I guess I can actually say I am looking forward to going back to school. Even typing that makes the panic and dread ease slightly.
So where does the dread come from. Well - I had a sticky end to last term. Well it felt sticky. In actual fact I had a lot of successes but my mind doesn't tend to dwell on them. I have been having a lot of trouble with the only English class I teach. I ask myself - what is going on here. I think it comes down to some source of feeling inadequate as an English teacher, a confidence crisis that I don't have as much when teaching Drama. This came to a point where someone questioned to me whether I had not realised whether I could handle the demands of full time teaching. I felt pretty gutted at this, but also not as 'tunnel of doom' that I have been in the past with such comments. I know why I am teaching and I know that I am passionate about it and wouldn't want to be any where else. My crises of confidence come from a perfectionism that I cannot achieve and am constantly trying to rationalize. However, I am slowly beginning to realize that it is much worse if people judge an outcome that shows a lack of product, than if people judge the outcome of me just getting it done and not labouring over it.
There is just SO much on the 'to-do' list and I feel like some significant delays on this list are the only reflection of my ability to be a successful teacher. The reality is, that most people who look for evidence of my teaching successfully only have the 'lack of things done' list to look at. My 'too hard' basket is becoming the thing that is defining me at work. So with this discovered, I need to make sure that the too hard basket is not defining me.
So strategies to avoid THB - identification.
* Just keep pushing through the to-do list. There is always something on the list that is a 5 minute job that once ticked off can make me feel like progress is simple and easy rather than hard and scary.
*always write down, either here or in another place, why the things in the THB are in the THB
* Keep up to date with planning and scheduling. Don't be afraid of looking at a calendar and seeing deadlines and due dates to get things done by - remain in control of this.
As I write out the strategies, I realise that the THB is a only a thing when one is disorganised and scared of the what has to be done.
Right - so I am off to address the list for today. There are many small tick-off-able tasks that I am going to prioritize. I realise I haven't heart-leaked all over this blog post about why things are scary and dark. But I don't really need to and to be honest, I don't always know why I go to those places. The positive thing is that I am processing through writing and that helps a great deal.
Until....well until tomorrow! A post a day!
I am getting ready to go back to school tomorrow for the start of term three. I am feeling rather sick about it. I have blogged about my psyche in the school holidays before. I actually don't like them that much as the constant fight to 'make the most of them' wears me out a little bit. So in that respect (she discovers 6 lines in) I guess I can actually say I am looking forward to going back to school. Even typing that makes the panic and dread ease slightly.
So where does the dread come from. Well - I had a sticky end to last term. Well it felt sticky. In actual fact I had a lot of successes but my mind doesn't tend to dwell on them. I have been having a lot of trouble with the only English class I teach. I ask myself - what is going on here. I think it comes down to some source of feeling inadequate as an English teacher, a confidence crisis that I don't have as much when teaching Drama. This came to a point where someone questioned to me whether I had not realised whether I could handle the demands of full time teaching. I felt pretty gutted at this, but also not as 'tunnel of doom' that I have been in the past with such comments. I know why I am teaching and I know that I am passionate about it and wouldn't want to be any where else. My crises of confidence come from a perfectionism that I cannot achieve and am constantly trying to rationalize. However, I am slowly beginning to realize that it is much worse if people judge an outcome that shows a lack of product, than if people judge the outcome of me just getting it done and not labouring over it.
There is just SO much on the 'to-do' list and I feel like some significant delays on this list are the only reflection of my ability to be a successful teacher. The reality is, that most people who look for evidence of my teaching successfully only have the 'lack of things done' list to look at. My 'too hard' basket is becoming the thing that is defining me at work. So with this discovered, I need to make sure that the too hard basket is not defining me.
So strategies to avoid THB - identification.
* Just keep pushing through the to-do list. There is always something on the list that is a 5 minute job that once ticked off can make me feel like progress is simple and easy rather than hard and scary.
*always write down, either here or in another place, why the things in the THB are in the THB
* Keep up to date with planning and scheduling. Don't be afraid of looking at a calendar and seeing deadlines and due dates to get things done by - remain in control of this.
As I write out the strategies, I realise that the THB is a only a thing when one is disorganised and scared of the what has to be done.
Right - so I am off to address the list for today. There are many small tick-off-able tasks that I am going to prioritize. I realise I haven't heart-leaked all over this blog post about why things are scary and dark. But I don't really need to and to be honest, I don't always know why I go to those places. The positive thing is that I am processing through writing and that helps a great deal.
Until....well until tomorrow! A post a day!
Monday, 13 July 2015
R&R
It's holidays again. Early in the second week. I have blogged about the holidays before. There is such a weird balance between the work to be done as a teacher - the large pile I inevitably leave until the holidays - and the need to rest and take a break from the life of being a teacher in during the term.
I am feeling a bit flat today. I seem to get like this often in the holidays - when the lack of contact, from being around 150+ people every day seems to be a little over whelming.
I wonder if other teachers feel the weird sense of imbalance - I feel guilty when I am not doing work for school, but then when I do approach it, a sense of being really fatigued early with it.
One way of combating this is productive procrastination. I have being enjoying doing things that help with a productive teacher life that may not be directly addressing the 'pile of doom'. Today - I did alot of spring cleaning around the house. I have also being really loving getting into some work on grammar and punctuation - to feel more armed and equipped with teaching these rules to others. I enjoy thinking through the next units of teaching and how I may deliver these to the students.
I have no real purpose for this blog post. I guess I just needed to process the seesaw in the brain of 'what next', 'what should I be doing now', 'can I really watch a little TV'. So I move forward again - just hoping to keep the balance in check.
I am feeling a bit flat today. I seem to get like this often in the holidays - when the lack of contact, from being around 150+ people every day seems to be a little over whelming.
I wonder if other teachers feel the weird sense of imbalance - I feel guilty when I am not doing work for school, but then when I do approach it, a sense of being really fatigued early with it.
One way of combating this is productive procrastination. I have being enjoying doing things that help with a productive teacher life that may not be directly addressing the 'pile of doom'. Today - I did alot of spring cleaning around the house. I have also being really loving getting into some work on grammar and punctuation - to feel more armed and equipped with teaching these rules to others. I enjoy thinking through the next units of teaching and how I may deliver these to the students.
I have no real purpose for this blog post. I guess I just needed to process the seesaw in the brain of 'what next', 'what should I be doing now', 'can I really watch a little TV'. So I move forward again - just hoping to keep the balance in check.
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