At the bottom of the circle

Life is full of cycles, we all know that. We play the game of seasons, months, days, weeks etc in a similar pattern in the effort of moving forwards towards a series of goals. Perhaps a useful image is to think of life as a upwards spiral - we aren't always moving in the same spot, but sometimes it takes a bit of a journey, physically, emotionally, intellectually, to make that next step. Another cycle that we play at school is the term cycle - still a complete enigma to me - but there seems to be a mystery structure in there somewhere about how kids behave, work, colleagues react, celebrate, moan, wilt, flourish etc.

Last year someone shared with me the 'bottom of the circle' metaphor when considering the process of doing something creative. (In this instance it was devising, or making up a piece of theatre, but it could apply to any creative process). The premise of this metaphor is that you can expect times at the bottom of the circle. Where the effort to make the next decision, discover the next strong thread, have a breakthrough, have a success is unattainable; or, at least, an uphill battle.

I have titled my post this because I feel a little bit at the bottom of the circle with teaching at the moment. And I suppose the rest of life kind of gets sucked into it. Perhaps I feel like I am at the bottom of the circle as all that seems to be swimming around my head at the moment are the 'I haven'ts' - which were a huge feature of an earlier blog post that you can read here. The main feature of today's 'I haven'ts' is very much marking themed. I just feel sick when I think about the amount of marking I have to do. When I really get down to it - I struggle so much with it - because I see it as a reflection of my teaching. If they get good grades I consider my teaching successful and if they get bad grades I see my teaching as unsuccessful and to make matters all the more complicated.....I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO SUBJECTIVELY DECIDE WHAT GRADES THEY DO GET. I just feel totally swamped by it all.

Now before everyone gets started on the 'you cannot take responsibility for that' pep talk. Hold your breath. I have had it. I understand it. I can rationalise it to the end of the time...but I still get stuck in this fear of marking.I guess I am writing this because I would love to hear how other people deal with this bottom of the circle dilhemma's.

As I write this however, I am thinking about the individuals whose work I am attempting to mark. These are 50 different young people. They all have their own lives and my subject and the assessment that I support them through is only a small part of their lives. I do seem to be coming towards a conclusion that it seems out of proportion that I am taking as much responsibility that I am actually taking for them.

Now that I am at that conclusion however - what has changed. I do not feel inspired to jump into the pile of marking that sits next to me. I am aware that I am just struggling with knowing what is right in this job. As an individual I need a little more - 'yip you're doing great' that others.
However, every time I do mark - I have revelations about how I might teach the unit a little differently next time. These revelations are useful, as are the revelations of 'I taught them that and they've indicated that they've really understood it and applied it' as - there are those moments as well. I am going to attempt to change my mind set to look forward to those revelations. I have set myself up a little template to fill in every time I have one of those revelations, so that I am able to document that moment for more reflection and hopefully become more of a proactive, adaptable teacher rather than the wallowing, anxious, worried one I feel like I am at the moment.

Once again blog, reader count #1, you have forced me into considering and contextualising what is going on for me. Teaching is still exciting - I wonder what the set of marking with reveal to me.
Small steps hey?