3, 2, 1 Meltdown....

Being a perfectionist is hard work. And I dont say that trying to sound all up my own bum. Last night I had a pretty significant meltdown at the dress rehearsal of the piece that we are working towards at the moment. Why - because I felt that the contribution that I was in charge of was inadequate. I felt that I was letting my students down and everyone else down. I can be rational about this and contextualize this and know that it is one moment in an entire career and it wont have as significant repercussions as I am imagining. But the irrational part of me thinks

• these year 9s do not like this
• they will not want to take my subject again 
• as an option subject my numbers will suffer
• there wont be enough students to make my (or someone else's job) viable.
• and then the world will end! 

OK - so maybe I have gone a little far on that last one. Maybe I have gone a little far on them all. So why do I get so panicked when I believe that it isn't working? Well - the thing is, I don't choose to. And when I get to that place it is pretty hard to back out and carry on without pressing the reset button (usually something like having a sleep or doing something completely different) - and I did not have the option for that last night. I should probably give you more info - I didn't wail in front of students and beat my fists on the floor. I excused myself as fast as I could and had a wee cry in my locked office. But a colleague, a student AND a parent all saw me. Oh the shame. 

Ideally - these meltdowns wont happen as much as I get more experienced as a teacher. But I also hope that my passion and heart in my subject does count for something. That I am opening up students to a greater variety of experiences. 

Lights, camera, action.....

Well it is that time. It is the last Monday of the term. And this term is the glorious one that ends with Good Friday - so people, there is 4 days between us and the holidays. And for the rest of the world - you can get on board too as it IS Easter this weekend, which means you get 4 days off too! Woohoo!

OK, what is on top this morning. Well, technically I am day two into a 5 day week as I was at school yesterday for 5 hours trying (and failing) to get on top of department admin, and also attending a extra curricular tech rehearsal. It was actually quite refreshing. I moan, moan moan about having to go to these things. As because, well, it is really hard to feel enthusiastic about attending a rehearsal when every last bit of energy I have is taken up during school hours. Also because I have an hour commute to get to my school which is not anyone else's problem but mine, but sometimes I am not extra enthused about doing an extra 2 hours of driving and petrol donation during the week. Anyway...moan over. Because, even though I found yesterday really tiring. I also found it refreshing as it tapped into that thing in my core which loves getting performance ready. Which gets uber excited when performers get in front of lights, and the sound track is pumping through the entire auditorium rather than just the speakers in the corner of the classroom. It also gives students that extra bit of ooomph that you have been trying to instill in them for the past three weeks using nothing but your tired, screachy and worn out voice.

So, extra curricular projects do have such a valuable place. And it is so exciting to get them to this point. I have to pay credit here to the arts director at the school I work at. (She is also a drama teacher and her approach and 'coolness' is inspiring to me in more ways than one - but I think that is the title of another blog) Her control over the entire event yesterday was amazing and totally took the weight off my own shoulders for the small contribution me and my juniors are making. It is really important in these situations to acknowledge the personnel that support you and enable things to happen.

My drive for this week is to merely try and keep going. My limited experience in this career reminds me that the penultimate week is always harder than the final one as once you get to this stage the end really is in sight. The keep going theme - is to keep harboring away at the marking piles and the planning projects I have on, as I don't want them to overwhelm my break. I think it is a fact that they'll make an appearance somewhere, hoping just not everywhere. 

Pretty much an internal dialogue of rambling this morning. If it makes sense to anyone else - choice. If not, no drama....over and out! Happy Monday. Counting down.....

TAKE THESE NOTES DOWN PLEASE!

OK - before you get grumpy about the lack of 'a post a day' that I promised sometime last week - I have an excuse. I...uh....went to a course, then forgot, then forgot again. Jeeez, those excuses are pretty shit huh? Well anyway - at least I'm honest. 

I've been thinking this morning about whiteboards/blackboards and how to make them work for me. I often put notes on the whiteboard. But here is the thing - I don't plan to put notes on the whiteboard. I get a little carried away in class and then find myself trying to download my brain onto the whiteboard in front of 30 expecting, but not entirely trusting, faces. 

Right - so whats going on there then. Well I don't plan to make those notes because I seem to have left teachers college with the strong impression that notes are so old school. That you should be planning more interactive activities in which the students feel invested in that learning - and that brain dump to white board transitioned to student's paper through their pen - is not the way to go about it. 

However, over the past couple of lessons with a particular diverse bunch of year 11s, whose differentiated learning styles mean I plan about 13 different lessons to ensure that they are all on the same 'page' by the end of it, I have resorted to putting some notes up on the board for them and getting them to copy it down. The outcome? With this simple task of taking these notes down, has completely changed their practical work. It has given them something to hold onto. A footing to launch off from. 

So - have I converted into a dry, notes only, copy this down type teacher? Now that I have the evidence that it works? No, not at all. But I am reassured that learning can happen in MANY different ways. And often something as simple as taking notes, not relied upon, but used sparingly and for a purpose, can be a great device for both teacher and learner to consolidate a lot of interactive, messy thinking and learning that had preceded this final set of notes. 

Over and out - happy Tuesday.

A teacher's best friend....

Why these are, in fact, the best thing in the world. Right now. Ok so here we go with day two of my 'lets blog every morning' idea. I haven't left myself a huge amount of time, but we going for it anyway. 

It always amazes me - 5 terms into this profession (haha as in school terms, not presidential, although I wonder what I would be blogging about if I was the president....headphones? Not sure) - there seems to be a very tenuous balance between the social nature of the people that you work with and the need to just be with yourself and recharge. People would assume that all teachers are bubbly vivacious extroverts who love to be talky and chatty all the time. Wrong assumption? Well I certainly know that was my assumption, and it was wrong. Or, if we are all like that, we still need time to close off and reset. Being in a classroom all day is a mega effort. Perhaps in a couple of days time I will moan about the 5 period day effort (i.e. no non contacts). Anyway - you really do need quiet time. Time to think. Time to not have all of your senses switched on, monitoring, teaching, learning, sheep herding. So anyway...every morning when I get to work, I put on my new best friends. The wonderful noise cancelling headphones that lusciously cover your entire ear like a big ear hug and help you to zone into a place just by yourself. The reason I have chosen to blog about them, is because this morning, like many other times I found that I had them on for a good 15 minutes before I even realised that I wasn't listening to anything. So I thought about that....and realised, that there is more to them then transmigrating other noise. They are a tool for the much needed zone out - and for that reason, I reckon a pair should be in EVERY teachers beginning pack. 

I didn't even know I needed/wanted a pair of these until the wonderful man friend gave me them for xmas. So I feel it is a service that I must pass on. Teachers - get yourself some zone out ear muffs! 

Over and out - happy Wednesday 

Pointless blog writer - the extra curricular rant

I have realised that there is no real point to this blog if I don't actually write it. And there is, as usual, SO much to reflect upon and write about. I try to get to school each morning quite early and it takes me an hour to drive here - at which time my mind is furiously flicking through everything I need to get done for the day. So I figure - why not spend 10 minutes when I get here getting it all down - then there is a way for me to document my crazy brain waves.

Anyway - best of intentions. And lets not forget, small steps to life success. These blog posts may not be overly long.
I also feel like am making no sense this morning - but that's not necessarily a bad thing, as it can only get better from here right?

Right - whats on top this morning. Well a lot really. I am feeling pretty bogged down. And I have exactly nine minutes to get it out before I have to get something on to the notices list before I miss the opportunity. I am struggling with extra curricular commitments this morning. I completely, completely understand the need, and worth of a life of awesome things happening outside of the classroom. However, this is a source of constant feeling of not doing enough for me. I find it really hard to prioritize extra curricular as I am always just trying to keep my head above water for what's going on INSIDE my classroom so when it comes to after school, lunchtimes etc....I am usually taking a breath or doing something else to prepare for classes.

So now I find myself in the position of trying to pull together a 15 minute Shakespeare scene in three weeks for a national competition. The starting point will be telling kids that I am sorry for being so slack for getting it up and running. Poos. It just makes me feel really stink. What can I change from here? To shift this feeling and just get on with it? Dunno - do it I guess. Doing it once always makes the next time I do it so much easier.

So off I go to get the scene ready - notices now, first rehearsal tomorrow. Reality is, I am not sure how hard it will be or what the process was like which is typically when I procrastinate and put things off. I have added to that by choosing a Shakespeare play (The Comedy of Errors) and a genre (Comedy!!!) that is not my strong point. OK lesson here Miss N, stop choosing the most difficult way to wade through things. Mmmm OK, good. Feeling better having worked that one through. I will direct my wee comedy of errors - probably relying heavily on it's namesake and we will see how it goes. I'm sure there will be some wee successes along the way - just need to take small steps remember!

9 minutes over - checking out. See yah tomorrow!