3, 2, 1 Meltdown....

Being a perfectionist is hard work. And I dont say that trying to sound all up my own bum. Last night I had a pretty significant meltdown at the dress rehearsal of the piece that we are working towards at the moment. Why - because I felt that the contribution that I was in charge of was inadequate. I felt that I was letting my students down and everyone else down. I can be rational about this and contextualize this and know that it is one moment in an entire career and it wont have as significant repercussions as I am imagining. But the irrational part of me thinks

• these year 9s do not like this
• they will not want to take my subject again 
• as an option subject my numbers will suffer
• there wont be enough students to make my (or someone else's job) viable.
• and then the world will end! 

OK - so maybe I have gone a little far on that last one. Maybe I have gone a little far on them all. So why do I get so panicked when I believe that it isn't working? Well - the thing is, I don't choose to. And when I get to that place it is pretty hard to back out and carry on without pressing the reset button (usually something like having a sleep or doing something completely different) - and I did not have the option for that last night. I should probably give you more info - I didn't wail in front of students and beat my fists on the floor. I excused myself as fast as I could and had a wee cry in my locked office. But a colleague, a student AND a parent all saw me. Oh the shame. 

Ideally - these meltdowns wont happen as much as I get more experienced as a teacher. But I also hope that my passion and heart in my subject does count for something. That I am opening up students to a greater variety of experiences.