Being reflective

It is time to start getting my act together and get all my docs ready for the process of getting registered. You may see some posts come up here that are slightly backdated. This is because I have a BILLION drafts of ideas and musings that are started and will be completed. They were an idea once and will be an idea again.

What I want to reflect upon today is the BIGGNESS of teaching. 4-5 classes of multiple assessments each, admin and reporting tasks, extra curricular committments, professional development and reflection, courses, meetings, committments, appointments, 1-1 tutoring, scholarship applications....the list goes on. My job, as it currently stands, is BIG. I have not managed successfully over the past couple of months to feel on top of it. Organised, and productive and therefore I have felt rather overwhelmed by it.

I can make these reflections basting in the glory of my holidays. I am 10 days in and feeling rather sad about them coming to an end and I need to really assess what it is that I let myself get so afraid about when returning to work after the break.

The reality is - it is the bigness. The numerous facets of the job that I am committed to doing my utmost best at that I cannot always succeed at. The 'piles' that need attention got me into such a spin yesterday that I was overwhelmed with the panic. I was then very sad that the panic made me eel so unhappy and I therefore concluded that I 'cannot do the job' or 'do not like the job' - and in fact, niether of these points are true. I can do it and I do LOVE it. It is just the lack of ability to see each task through to the 100% that I envision I should be able to means that I feel 100% unsuccessful at everything.

A strategy that I am employing at the moment is trying to be more present rather than focusing on the 'piles' and what is not done. And accept that this will be a constant. I will never get to feeling on top of everything to the standard that I want - but I can feel on top of the current task - and the more I fous on that the balance of feeling 'on top' versus overwhelmed and miserable should begin to right itself.

Loving the sunshine - and feeling warmed by a lovely flat white at my favourite local flat white producer. Feeling ready to move on to the next task.