The added extras

I've been musing late over the technicalities around going the extra mile. I have a pretty persuasive conscience around such matters and am therefore driven to put in as much effort as possible all the time to ensure the best outcome can be achieved.

I think most of this drive is part of who I am. I am always in rather desperate need for affirmation and am therefore always more motivated if I know it is going to be noticed or recognized. I don't think I am alone in this, and therefore I am not that worried about admitting to it. It doesn't mean I value the benefit for others any less that the benefit for myself - I just need to put it out there, that the 'potential brownie-point scale' is part of what makes me tick.

I am therefore intrigued by my recent feelings about an extra-curricular experience. Extra-curricular experiences for students is such an essential part of making up who young people are. If I think about my most memorable moments at school - most of them were based around music trips away to be a part of something that showcased me and my peers but also made me feel a part of something really significant. Having reflected upon this, I therefore find it interesting that I am developing negative feelings about organising such trips to take my current students away/out of the classroom for a positive experience.

Why do I dislike this? Well, that is what I have been reflecting upon.

1. Logistically, it is a lot of organising which means it is hard to allow time for it within the rest of the classroom based responsibilities. 
2. I find I become very anxious when 'responsible' for these kids out of the school grounds. If they went walkabouts, got hurt, got sick - all eyes return to me. While I understand that this is OK and not actually that different to the classroom. The feeling it gives me is so energy draining that I find myself more and more resisting the need to organise such events.

Why am I reflecting on this so much? Well because I recently invested into a national competition where students perform scenes that they've prepared. The end goal is to be the best scene in their region in order to perform at the national festival. The national festival is at the other end of the country and over a long weekend later in the year. 

Getting the students to this national festival is such a massive effort and one which I found rather stressful last year. Therefore this year, I was incredibly worried that I was simply not trying hard enough to get the work to the standard required to be competitive at the regional heats. In my heart, I don't know if I could have honestly said that I wanted the pieces that I was either supporting, or directing myself, to get selected to go to the National festival. 

The regional festival is now over and there are two things that I want to say. 

• Firstly - I was proud of the students' performances in the pieces that I directed and I honestly did feel that I had put the very best effort in. Or in other words, I don't think I subconsciously worked in a way that would disadvantage the quality of the work we put forward. 
• Secondly - knowing now that we have not been selected to go to the national festival, the students' disappointment is so clearly evident that I still feel somewhat responsible - as if I willed this to happen. (Despite point above) 

I think I really needed this reprieve though. It has allowed me to see from the outside how important the national festival it is to them and know that getting selected to go is something truly worthwhile to work towards. At the end of this long rant....I can see that these out-of-the-classroom experiences are truly valuable and necessary.

And I haven't lost or hurt a student yet

....and I have removed a plastic bag full of vomit from a poorly student in my care at 4 in the morning

....and we're all the stronger for it.