Day 1

Have just had day 1 of term 2 - and I feel.....blah.

My brain is busy. I am incredibly tired. I know that if I start to do work things tonight (it's 8.13pm) that I'll probably spend 45 minutes achieving 10 minutes worth of work. My thoughts will also not be clear and I'll probably redo it in the morning anyway. 

However, I feel like the amount of work I have to do this week - it seems irresponsible to not be attempting some of it now. It's generating a lot of "why didn't I do this in the holidays" guilt which is such a frustrating feeling. Obviously the holidays exist for a reason and I hate dealing with feelings of regret for having a couple of days to myself. 

So I am taking stock - as I did achieve some stuff today. 

• I did a heap of school show admin and solved some issues that I wasn't expecting to arrive on the spot without panicking
• I worked on my massive department report for an hour and got about a 5th done. I am reaping the benefits of doing a massively thorough job last year which means I have my own template/exemplar to work off. (The added benefit is that I am not allowed to be more succinct....therefore less writing) 
• Working on above-mentioned report gave me a feeling of really knowing the ins-and-outs of my department and where I want to take it, and what I have done already in this direction. So that's a win.  
• I marked the formatives of 60% of my two senior-drama classes. Not 100% but at least more than nothing. 
• I spoke in front of the whole school in assembly - rather nerve wracking. And as the head of Drama there is a slight expectation that you'll be as cool as a cucumber when speaking in public. The best outcome of this was - I had my Y12s after lunch and they genuinely complemented me on 'doing good Miss' 
• I taught three classes, went to the gym, did some groceries, cooked dinner, and went to physio. 
• I wrote a blog post. 

So - what's the point of this post. Well teaching remains to be a funny beast. The first day of term is always really nerve wracking for me. The other side of this coin though is that I really enjoy reconnecting with my students, and today was no exception. 

There is always more to do so sometimes the best thing is to look backwards and instead congratulate yourself on what you've done. As a teacher, I'd like to argue, it's always a fair bit and usually worth celebrating. 

Over and out. 

Anxious about my piles.....

My title for this post is intentionally crude. Don't worry - my rear exit is in perfectly good order. Just felt a sharp beginning was necessary for today.

I'll add a photo of my piles (snigger (ok - stop it now)). It's curly as I took it on panorama. But I have just returned to my office after been away for a week and all I see is stuff that I have neglected, forgotten, ignored etc. It fills me with such a sense of incompetence that I find it very difficult to move forward and work my way through it.

Two computer screens, and then all of the paper to the front of the tall screen and the right of the smaller laptop. It just makes me feel uneasy, queasy and generally want to run away.

Yet, I often come to this situation and am inspired. To organise and to get sorted and it is not often a bad place to start. 

My focus for today is organising things into bite sized pieces so I can be as productive as possible in the next day and a half (before I head away on Wednesday) 

The main aim is to not think I am going to rewrite the world - everything achieved will just be in the aim of making the beginning of next term easier. 

I have been keenly following many blogs and vloggers of late and they're all successful and so incontrol of their surroundings. I look at this and feel cruddy by comparison. Surely others have moments of chaotic environments and come to a little bit of a standstill?

You may be asking - what is this point of writing all this down? Well, because it helps add a little more calm to the situation. Happy Monday everyone.  

Story-time with Miss N....

Once upon a time there was a teacher who often said to her students "oooo, I've got a story for you". All of her students immediately looked at her, smiled, and engaged.

I am currently in my second teaching job.

In both my schools some of the feedback from my kids is that "We love your stories Miss!"

I am a bit of an extrovert. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I tell kids when I am stressed out about them and their assessment, and I tell them the details about my life that are mundane and not overly necessary in a classroom environment. Examples of this are:

that time I argued with the photocopier

that time I rung the radio....

that time I got my car stuck on the front lawn at 5 in the morning

that time the nachos caught on fire and the over door smashed

I am not revealing intimate parts of my personal life. I am just verbally, Facebook statusing to my students before I start the class.

It brings up a question. Am I risking them not taking my subject seriously and seeing it as a 'hangout' time. Or, am I actually, in the words of a Year 13, reaping the benefits of "it humanizes you, Miss".

Before I go on, I am well aware of the old adage "you're not their friend, you're their teacher" "don't worried about not being liked...." etc etc. And I am TOTALLY on that wagon. I very rarely give out my cellphone number and usually only to ensure they stay alive in my care (for more context read this post). I do NOT add past or present students as Facebook friends. I am not into being their friend and I don't particularly worry about being 'liked' - but I do see value in sharing information about myself, or using personal stories as context in teaching. In my teaching experience is generates a 'we're all in this together' environment.

I often ask students about their breakfast, and share info with them about mine. This may seem irrelevant about the learning context, but it touches base with the students and takes an interest in them. It also, I hope, encourages them to eat breakfast which is important, right? In an observed lesson once, it was noted that this eccentric habit of mine (which I call 'Breakfast Shoutouts!) was bringing hauora into the classroom - that's got to be a good thing.

It is not my intention in this post to be promoting some sort of ground-breaking pedagogy. I am just intrigued about the concept of being known by the students and what can be beneficial to their success.

It is nearly the end of the first term. It's a busy time, everyone is tired and feeling the pressure/pinch. And if you read yesterday - you'll note that I am elbow deep in assessment hoping to get everyone to some level of success before the end of the week. Maybe a 'we're all in this together' approach is not a bad place to start.

What's working at the moment?

What is working in the life of teachers out there today?

Well here....I am actually just leaving the kids to it. There are learning outcomes on the board - as are the goals to achieve by the end of the lesson, prompts for when they can get extra practice time for their assessment, and reminders about the focus for the assessment. So what do they need me for right?

Well if I am honest - the mere fact that I am writing those rhetorical questions out is giving me palpitations. Surely there is something more that I should have done.

I am reflecting on it now. It is the end of the term and I really want all of my classes to assess on Thursday (before Good Friday). Term two will start much more positively if we tidy these assessments up and start the new ones afresh. I need to reassure myself that I have done the teaching, and now the students need to get on with applying these new skills in assessment. Sure - there is always more I could have done. I am particularly guilty of not getting enough handy resources ready....but they have enough and I need to chill about this.

So - the end of this story. My two junior classes just got on with it. The 'assessment on Thursday....what....?' mood eased and they made such good use of the time they had. The best thing I could have done for them, is what I did, I left them to it.

This afternoon I have both my senior classes. I guess the same theory should apply....I need to step down and leave them to it. I have some anxiety around the feeling that if I don't give them advice and input - will they get there? Is this what a helicopter parent feels like?

Even as I write this I feel no sense of ease. So - I put it out there. Do all teachers feel like this? Is it just me and my own insecurities about my organisation abilities. Is there a happy middle ground?
Should I implant all students with some sort of calendar chip? Even in jest - I think I could possibly be more communicative with assessment dates and reminders - currently thinking about options. We are not an overly techno school yet. It might be as simple as putting dates on the wall.

A fun pic to get you through today....the 'what, we have assessment face' of students. Even though they know they have assessment. (Well, I googled that...and McCauley came up. It amused me)

The added extras

I've been musing late over the technicalities around going the extra mile. I have a pretty persuasive conscience around such matters and am therefore driven to put in as much effort as possible all the time to ensure the best outcome can be achieved.

I think most of this drive is part of who I am. I am always in rather desperate need for affirmation and am therefore always more motivated if I know it is going to be noticed or recognized. I don't think I am alone in this, and therefore I am not that worried about admitting to it. It doesn't mean I value the benefit for others any less that the benefit for myself - I just need to put it out there, that the 'potential brownie-point scale' is part of what makes me tick.

I am therefore intrigued by my recent feelings about an extra-curricular experience. Extra-curricular experiences for students is such an essential part of making up who young people are. If I think about my most memorable moments at school - most of them were based around music trips away to be a part of something that showcased me and my peers but also made me feel a part of something really significant. Having reflected upon this, I therefore find it interesting that I am developing negative feelings about organising such trips to take my current students away/out of the classroom for a positive experience.

Why do I dislike this? Well, that is what I have been reflecting upon.

1. Logistically, it is a lot of organising which means it is hard to allow time for it within the rest of the classroom based responsibilities. 
2. I find I become very anxious when 'responsible' for these kids out of the school grounds. If they went walkabouts, got hurt, got sick - all eyes return to me. While I understand that this is OK and not actually that different to the classroom. The feeling it gives me is so energy draining that I find myself more and more resisting the need to organise such events.

Why am I reflecting on this so much? Well because I recently invested into a national competition where students perform scenes that they've prepared. The end goal is to be the best scene in their region in order to perform at the national festival. The national festival is at the other end of the country and over a long weekend later in the year. 

Getting the students to this national festival is such a massive effort and one which I found rather stressful last year. Therefore this year, I was incredibly worried that I was simply not trying hard enough to get the work to the standard required to be competitive at the regional heats. In my heart, I don't know if I could have honestly said that I wanted the pieces that I was either supporting, or directing myself, to get selected to go to the National festival. 

The regional festival is now over and there are two things that I want to say. 

• Firstly - I was proud of the students' performances in the pieces that I directed and I honestly did feel that I had put the very best effort in. Or in other words, I don't think I subconsciously worked in a way that would disadvantage the quality of the work we put forward. 
• Secondly - knowing now that we have not been selected to go to the national festival, the students' disappointment is so clearly evident that I still feel somewhat responsible - as if I willed this to happen. (Despite point above) 

I think I really needed this reprieve though. It has allowed me to see from the outside how important the national festival it is to them and know that getting selected to go is something truly worthwhile to work towards. At the end of this long rant....I can see that these out-of-the-classroom experiences are truly valuable and necessary.

And I haven't lost or hurt a student yet

....and I have removed a plastic bag full of vomit from a poorly student in my care at 4 in the morning

....and we're all the stronger for it. 

When the obstacles feel too 'obstacley'

I have been reflective this morning. We are in the stage of term four when everyone is desperately scrambling for their last credits before they go to externals. This is also the time where most schools (well, all two that I have taught in, so I assume it is a bit of a trend) track their students to ensure no opportunity is missed to be successful at either the subject, or the year level, they are studying.

I am HOD which means I am accountable for all the students in my programme getting 14+ credits in Drama. I was thinking this morning on my way to school about those who are at risk of not getting these credits. These students are those who have missed assessment opportunities - more often than not this is for self-chosen absence reasons. These missed opportunities result in either them not sitting the standard at all, or being so poorly prepared that they do not achieve.

Drama is collaborative right? So 8 times out of ten these students are also letting the others in their group down. It is so frustrating - and I am beginning to take it really personally. I can acknowledge that I am at the end of a long year with many new challenges and succeeding at them all is impossible. However - I am really struggling to separate the emotion from this process. The next step is investing a lot of extra time in these students to attempt to fill the gap so that they can achieve these standards.

I am assessing my last standard today. I look forward to seeing good work. Work that revitalizes my sense of purpose as at the moment I am feeling rather emotional and grumpy about it. If some don't achieve this standard - then the problem becomes worse and the obstacle feels even bigger. I don't want to be the teacher who gives up.

End of the show - teacher sadness

The last post mentioned that I needed to direct a full length musical. That I was frightened, overwhelmed and intimidated by the whole process. That feeling didn't really go away until the night of the first performance when I was finally convinced we had made something good. The feeling of overwhelmedness (yes, I know this is not an actual word) comes from the fact that I was placing all imperfections on my shoulders. It MUST have been something to do with the fact that I didn't have a production meeting often enough, or I the fact that I forgot to send an email on time. Yet now that the show has been performed - I relate that success purely to those who made it, aside from me. I do truly believe that they (cast, crew, band etc) made the show the success it was.

So, I think I can acknowledge that I am having a little trouble seeing how I, personally, was influential in that process.

My more aligned sense of being can see though that my thinking around the whole process is foregrounded by extreme fatigue. Luckily it is the Tuesday of the final week of term and I only have to limp through to Friday before I can truly rest up.

So - what's the point of this rambling. Well - I am incredibly proud of the awesomely, professional, slick, energetically fun show that I was a part of. I could honestly see the joy it bought to the 65+ students that were involved and that made me feel awesome and part of something special. I am wondering however, how I can find the purpose of creating the 'school show' more concrete in my life as a teacher.

I am feeling flat today (and yesterday....) as I am finding it very difficult to reconnect with being a teacher. I feel that the teacher stopped 3 weeks before the show started and some sort of administrator moved in. I have piles of marking, planning, and well, teaching to do, and it is very difficult to figure out how to get it all done. I feel a sense of sadness too that some of my classes have had to accommodate this sense of absence. I have deferred some assessment and this does not make me feel good.

So there we go. The upside of this all is - I've written it all out, in almost the 'dear diary' - corny way, but this has identified some key ways of how I want to approach things a little differently next year. Namely: being able to support classes in their own journeys as well as supporting the show. I guess too, I arrive back at the same place of self assurance which is that it was my first time doing such a project - surely there is room to improve. It was a success. And that is a good thing.

Tired rambles don't make for prize-perfect writing this morning - sorry. But if any other teachers read this and struggle with the tension of the extra-curricula versus the classroom, feel free to respond.