End of the show - teacher sadness

The last post mentioned that I needed to direct a full length musical. That I was frightened, overwhelmed and intimidated by the whole process. That feeling didn't really go away until the night of the first performance when I was finally convinced we had made something good. The feeling of overwhelmedness (yes, I know this is not an actual word) comes from the fact that I was placing all imperfections on my shoulders. It MUST have been something to do with the fact that I didn't have a production meeting often enough, or I the fact that I forgot to send an email on time. Yet now that the show has been performed - I relate that success purely to those who made it, aside from me. I do truly believe that they (cast, crew, band etc) made the show the success it was.

So, I think I can acknowledge that I am having a little trouble seeing how I, personally, was influential in that process.

My more aligned sense of being can see though that my thinking around the whole process is foregrounded by extreme fatigue. Luckily it is the Tuesday of the final week of term and I only have to limp through to Friday before I can truly rest up.

So - what's the point of this rambling. Well - I am incredibly proud of the awesomely, professional, slick, energetically fun show that I was a part of. I could honestly see the joy it bought to the 65+ students that were involved and that made me feel awesome and part of something special. I am wondering however, how I can find the purpose of creating the 'school show' more concrete in my life as a teacher.

I am feeling flat today (and yesterday....) as I am finding it very difficult to reconnect with being a teacher. I feel that the teacher stopped 3 weeks before the show started and some sort of administrator moved in. I have piles of marking, planning, and well, teaching to do, and it is very difficult to figure out how to get it all done. I feel a sense of sadness too that some of my classes have had to accommodate this sense of absence. I have deferred some assessment and this does not make me feel good.

So there we go. The upside of this all is - I've written it all out, in almost the 'dear diary' - corny way, but this has identified some key ways of how I want to approach things a little differently next year. Namely: being able to support classes in their own journeys as well as supporting the show. I guess too, I arrive back at the same place of self assurance which is that it was my first time doing such a project - surely there is room to improve. It was a success. And that is a good thing.

Tired rambles don't make for prize-perfect writing this morning - sorry. But if any other teachers read this and struggle with the tension of the extra-curricula versus the classroom, feel free to respond.